capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
