I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
