Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
