She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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