hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
