why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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