Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
