Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
