Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
3 2 1 whiskey
They have beer where we have blood.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
