I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
