I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
