she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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