but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
