im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
