bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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