I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
