Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
