Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
