forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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