Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I want a musical about memes.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
