Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
