My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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