Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
