Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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