Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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