Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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