Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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