I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
