Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
