So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
