My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He shit in the fireplace
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
