I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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