Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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