Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
