I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
