Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I would fuck him just for his dog
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
