Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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