last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Dear god my vagina.
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