hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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