can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
