Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
