he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Your dad touched me again.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize