I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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