Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Houston, we have a squirter
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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