I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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