You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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