Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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