Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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