Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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