Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
