ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
