im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
