he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You have to summon your inner elephant
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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