Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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