Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The ass gains better be worth it
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
