I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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