at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
