i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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