I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
