The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
