she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
